When an adult child is lost from you
"And Jesus gave the son back to his father"
A while ago, I sat with a group of dear friends, and one man broke down in tears. "My son has not spoken to me in months." We all sat with the pain that hour, holding it together, praying.
Just a month or so ago, I ate lunch with a couple of women friends, and one friend described with tears the painful break over several years in relationship between her and both of her adult children. "I can't even think or talk about it, it is too painful."
Another friend aches with her son’s addiction and isolation, feeling isolated in her grief. "Could I have done something different?"
I click on an email from a mother who is learned that her son deceived her and is now wandering physically, spiritually and emotionally in ways that are not safe. "I feel devastated."
Parents who are trying to find a way to connect with an estranged daughter caught up in an enmeshed relationship and wondering how to help. "We are desperate."
In it all, the cries of "O my son! O my daughter!" in the pain and grief, echo around us. We grieve children who seem lost to us or lost from God.
We are working our way through 2 Samuel in my Sunday school class that I co-teach (some of you are in that class!) and today we talked through 2 Samuel 18. The escalating tension between Absalom—King David's son—the King himself, and the future of the kingdom of Israel implodes with the death of Absalom. With graphic detail, the author relays the end of Absalom, head caught in overhead branches, gored to death by spears. Absalom plotted his own father's demise, staging a multilevel coup for the kingdom and politically planning and maneuvering for his own vainglory.
And yet, when his father hears the news that Absalom is dead, he weeps and cries, "O my son, Absalom, my son, my son, Absalom! Would that I have died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!"
David is a complicated man and leader throughout his life, and here we see that and more, we also see a human father, grieving for his son. This is victory for the kingdom, but defeat for a father. David weeps deeply for his son Absalom even with all of his son’s transgression and mutiny.
One thing that I remember in the Outpouring at Asbury, was how many moms, dads, and grandparents fell to their knees, contending in prayer for their children and grandchildren. As they knelt at the altar, the names came out in a torrent with deep groans of prayer for the children, weeping over grief for their sons and daughters, despite anything they had done or not done. (You can read my story of the Outpouring here).
As I read the words of David, "O my son, my son!", it reminds me of the very heart cry of the guttural prayers of moms and dads, as they beseech God to bring home their son or daughter, or grandchild, metaphorically or in reality.
David, for all of his messiness and sin, was a man after God's own heart, who persisted in his spiritual journey of confession, repentance, lament and grief. In the words of David, we can also hear an echo of the Spirit of God, calling to all of creation, "O my son! O my daughter! Would I have died instead of you!"
I wonder if David’s heart cry is a glimpse of the heart cry of God. God, the Father, grieves over His children, too. Our Heavenly Father who sent His Son, Jesus, out of such radical and extravagant love to settle the debts for all time, and ransom us through grace, lives out the words “would I have died instead of you!”
The Lord knows your broken heart. God hears your prayer. The Holy Spirit is with you.
This is the kindly Father who holds all the grief in the world in His heart through the person of Jesus. Knowing the pain of each and every parent--or spiritual parent-- in their agony and prayer, this is the Father who loves each of us with such mercy and compassion that the depth and width of His love transcends our understanding..and loves our children, too.
Regardless of where your son or daughter is on the spiritual journey, our Perfect Parent understands our grief and prayer, and holds it with us, with the promise that the Holy Spirit will never give up on us or our children. God knows our children better than we know them, better than they know themselves. And God does not give up on them, despite what they have done or not done. In the same way, God does not give up on us.
In the Gospel of Luke, when Jesus met a father on the road, the father pleaded for his son who was being torn apart by a demon through convulsions.
Jesus said, "Bring your son here."
And even while the boy was coming, the demon threw him to the ground in a convulsion. But Jesus rebuked the impure spirit, healed the boy and gave him back to his father. And they were all amazed at the greatness of God. (Luke 9:42-43).
And gave him back to his father.
The heart of Jesus is to give children and grandchildren back to their parents. For those parents living with children with mental illness, substance abuse, unhealthy relationships, this verse is particularly a way to pray for you.
If you find yourself like-hearted with those parents and grandparents at the Outpouring, begging God for a miracle, Jesus hears you and His heart is for relationship with children and their parents to be redeemed.
I am praying with you for relationship to be restored, real and metaphorical demons to be rebuked, and healing to come. I am praying with you for your son or daughter to be given back to you either now or the other side of eternity.
God is for you and God is for your child. God has not forgotten you or your prayer. Your child, no matter where they are on this earth, is still being pursued by the Holy Spirit. “O my son, O my daughter” is the grieving prayer of a parent who loves deeply, and a grieving prayer of the Holy Spirit over us and our children when we are lost.
Jesus does do miracles today. And gave him back to his father. This is a good prayer to pray. Do not give up.
The Holy Spirit never gives up.
This is the greatness of God.
Goodness and mercy chases you and your child all the days of our lives (Ps. 23:6).
Thank you for this.