Autumn has been in the air this past week. Very un-Kentucky like, the air has been cool. The damp earth smell of fallen leaves rises up to greet me. No doubt, the hot and humid days are still to come before Kentucky gives way to fall, but it's been a welcome change. Fall means letting go.
In the spirit of letting go, last week I met with someone to give spiritual guidance and direction. The question of what to hold on to and what not to arose up like that damp earth smell. Spiritual direction is a way of listening to God for and with the other person. It's less about discipleship (read this, do that), and more about listening to God with someone else. Growth in discernment is at the heart of spiritual maturity in the Christian life. Recognizing what is and what is not the voice of Jesus in our life is both as intuitive as a newborn turning her head toward her mother, and as difficult as seeking a treasure hidden in a field.
Perhaps nothing is as important in the Christian life as discernment. Today there are so many voices and spirits seeking to lay claim to our attention, energies, and decisions. To be able to turn our head to the voice of Jesus and sense the wind of the Holy Spirit blowing on us is the great work of maturity in God.
As I listened to the directee, one of the ways to listen is to ask "What is the deeper question?" Usually the first question is not the main question. This time, the first question was, "How should I handle a frustrating church situation?" But the real, deeper question became, "Jesus, what is mine to carry and what is not?"
This question of responsibility seems to be one of the defining questions of life and we ponder it in different ways over the decades. Another way to say this may be, "Is this my spiritual work for this season?" Counseling can suggest that if the situation is too complex or the relationship is too emotionally taxing for us that we boundary and separate ourselves. Truly, healthy boundaries are important. We are not responsible to remain in a scenario or relationship in which we are being abused in any way (and to remain actually may be the most irresponsible thing we can do--however, I am venturing into a challenging space saying that. I do not intend to put shame on a victim, but at the same time I recognize that sometimes we keep ourselves in situations that are toxic for us because we think it's "responsibility").
But what I am talking about is: when the work is hard: what is mine to carry and what is not?
Modern life and relationships are extremely complicated and fragmented. For the first time in history we can know the pain of someone across the planet in real time and even faster than we might be aware of a crisis next door. Many of us belong to multiple communities: families, neighborhoods, work, schools, churches, sports teams, volunteer work and ministries at the same time. Our desire to hold more than humanly capable in our calendars and our hearts matches the reality that everywhere we look there is both opportunity and need. Relationships are complicated and often overlapping.
As an aside, my friend Koby often shares that wise author Madeleine L'Engle talked about the continuum of detachment and enmeshment as two polarizing ends of relational experience. Detachment removes us from and enmeshment controls us and the other person. To find grounding in compassionate detachment is a space where we love without control of the person or the outcome, but are fully present to the other person. All of this is considered in the work of discernment in relationships and ministry.
In the midst of this stew of complexity, we seek to find our way forward in a deep spiritual journey that takes us "further up and further in1" to God.
Back to our question: What is mine to carry and what is not?
This question can not be answered for you. Here are some ponderings:
Is it on your path? Meaning is it "local" to your daily life. I don't mean this geographically, necessarily. I have found that what we are called to be responsible for is usually within our context. Simply: is it coming to your attention on a daily or weekly basis? Whether that is because you are attending a church, passing a neighbor, regularly connecting with something or someone on line, or something with which you have a lot of experience. Usually, if it not "on your path", it's not yours to carry.
What season are you in? The passage from Psalm 1 gives us clarity. A wise person bears fruit "in season". Is this a season of waiting in your life? A season of grief? A season of significant transition? No one can bear fruit "in every season". Knowing your own seasons is part of the mature life in God.
Is the Holy Spirit asking you to be present to this work or is in your own sense of duty or over commitment? A few ways to test this out: consider this in your own spirit, asking the Holy Spirit to be present. When you are hold this question in the Light of the Spirit is there a sense of peace or a sense of unrest? Second, bring this to a trusted mature group or several wise friends individually and listen to whether they respond with peace or with unrest. As a note, do not look for them to give you the answer. Ask them to listen to you and then respond with their prayerful thoughts. Take note as they reflect their thoughts to you: do they respond with peace and light, or are there answers full of agitation, more questions and shadow?
Do you have it to give? Jesus invites us to give all of who we are and what we have in sacrificial love. But Jesus doesn't ask us to give what we don't have. If we don't have money, Jesus doesn't ask us to give money that is not ours to give. Jesus doesn't ask us to give food that we do not have in our cupboards. If you are already maxed out with responsibilities and relationships, most likely Jesus is not asking you to somehow fit in something or someone else. Now, God may be asking you to set something down and make a change, but we listen to the Spirit step by step, not in sweeping massive immediate changes of priorities.
Do you sense that Jesus is calling you to carry this responsibility or relationships at this time? A test is to see if you sense consolation or desolation. Consolation feels like standing in sunlight with warmth seeping all the way in. There is a quiet assurance that God is near and there is a lightness of spirit. Gratitude wells up. Desolation feels like wandering under a heavy sky with fog. You feel heavy and unsure.
Are you living in surrender and sacrifice? This is a key question in the Christian life. Jesus modeled a life of sacrificial love. If you are only living for yourself and your own needs (unless it is for a specific season or reason—like a chronic health issue or a cancer treatment or depression), then it may be that indeed this is a time to carry something else.
In your life we have many questions and wonderings. Things are often not clear and straightforward. Always look for the "deeper question". This is the way of the discerning life.
The deeper question brings to the place of trusting God and knowing God. We learn to hear the voice of Jesus with more clarity in time.
Friend, keep listening. Hold up your questions to the Spirit.
Deeper Life for Leaders
As you lead your team, be aware of the seasonal shifts in your working relationships. Is there anything that your team needs to let go of as you move into autumn? Perhaps it's a project that needs to fall off the priority list for a season. But perhaps there is some unchecked enmeshment or detachment surfacing.
Are some of your team members taking responsibility that isn't theirs to hold right now? Do you see identity getting interwoven into work success? Is someone aloof or disconnected?
What does "compassionate detachment" look like in a healthy team?
Team members respect each other’s autonomy without trying to control outcomes.
Clear boundaries are lived; people focus on their own roles.
Listen with empathy but don’t take on others’ struggles as their own.
Support each other without rescuing or enabling.
Hold each other accountable with kindness, not blame.
Stay balanced under stress, avoiding burnout.
Celebrate others’ successes without jealousy or comparison.
As a leader, you live the deep life and ask the “deeper questions” to walk with your team into healthy, detached compassion.
From C.S. Lewis' The Last Battle:
“It is as hard to explain how this sunlit land was different from the old Narnia as it would be to tell you how the fruits of that country taste. Perhaps you will get some idea of it if you think like this. You may have been in a room in which there was a window that looked out on a lovely bay of the sea or a green valley that wound away among mountains. And you may have looked at that bay or valley through the window, and seen it true enough. But it was only through the window. You could not enter in. You could only look.
Now the old Narnia was like the window. But Aslan’s Country was like the real thing. It was the real Narnia at last, the real Narnia just as it should be. And it is different as a real thing is from a shadow or as waking life is from a dream.
Then he [Aslan] turned them all about and said with a great voice: ‘Come further up, come further in!’
And they all began to run and run, faster and faster, into the heart of that country, with joy that never ended.”
Thanks, Sarah. An excellent reminder for my season of significant transition and calming for my soul this morning. Thank you!